گرامر،اصطلاحات،داستان،مقاله،کتابهای انگلیسی

جکهای کوتاه انگلیسی NEW JOKE

نویسنده :M R
تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:52 ق.ظ


  • I never make mistakes, because I'm poof groof; I'm sorry, goof proof.
  • I drove over the pass, the other day. It's called Do Not Pass. I read that on the sign.
  • Last winter was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Alzheimer's disease.
  • Someone read some of these jokes and advised me not to quit my day job. Too late.
  • George W. Bush is our first President for whom English is a second language. I don't think he has a first language.
  • On my tombstone: I didn't know pushing up daisies was this difficult.
  • Poker player: "I lose way less money when I get bad cards."
  • Women have a great handicap in our society. They often have to perform the most difficult task ever done by a human being, pretend to be dummer than a man.
  • Please excuse Jimmy from his doctor's appointment, as he is sick today.
  • I never repeat the same mistake, because I make such a variety of them.
  • Then he drew hiss word. Sorry. Then he drew his sword.
  • "Pick a letter." "Y." "Just because, do you always have to be so difficult?"
  • Organic farmer: a farmer full of natural fertilizer.
  • Helen of Troy, really beautiful, face that could launch a thousand ships. Her hips alone could probably launch 100 ships.
  • You see those people over there? I know what they're talking about. They're saying that I'm paranoid.
  • A friend of mine is kind of a combination Bambi and Ghandi, a Mahatma Bambi.
  • The label on my bottle of Robotussin cough syrup says that it will make my coughs "more productive." If only I could become that productive.
  • If you are missing large portions of your time, that is a sign that you have been abducted by aliens, either that or you have been watching television.
  • Did you know that I have an Indian name?: Stupid-White-Man-with-Bogus-Indian-Name, and proud of it.
  • I read that Coca Cola was impacting upon the popularity of native Chinese beverages. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
  • Some people say that they are vegetarians who eat fish. I'm a vegetarian who eats fish, poultry, pork, and beef.
  • One of the good things about not being famous: I have to do something really, really stupid to make the tabloids.
  • Bumper sticker on a toy car: My other car is a fire truck.
  • Key to exercise: get the lungs working and the heart pumping, and if you don't keel over dead, then you probably benefiting.
  • Be sure to use proper grammar: "I eat a steak." "I ate a stook."
  • The proper way to ask for more food is to say "Oink."
  • My doctor told me I have high brood pleasure, or maybe it was blood pressure, whatever.
  • I call my car C-Rex; it's a Honda CRX. Someone else has named it Wash Me.
  • A friend of mine believes in the inverse Special Olympics motto: everyone is a loser.
  • A song that was never popular, A Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall. It loses its way at about 999,998 bottles of beer on the wall.
  • I caught a mild version of mad cow disease, it's called disgruntled cow disease.
  • To show you how smart I am, I bought some cookies with half the calories, so I can eat three times as much.
  • I'm having difficulty reading the fine print anymore. I think my eyes are on the blink. [alternative joke, when I see a girl who blinks a lot: "I think her eyes are on the blink."]
  • A German, who was visiting America, was having difficulty communicating. Then one day he sneezed, and someone said "Gesundheit!" The German replied (in German), "Finally, someone who speaks German."
  • An old couple were visiting the big city for the first time, and got tickets to hear a famous concert pianist. Afterwards, the man was complaining that it didn't sound like music to him, that the pianist had pounded on the piano so hard that he thought it would collapse. The wife was more tolerant: "When you play that well, it's OK if it sounds bad." [This joke can be adapted to any musician, not necessarily a pianist]
  • What we call a shark, the Germans call a volksbeiterfisch.
  • By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane.
  • A friend of mine drove in a complete circle on a street, because one U-turn deserves another.
  • I hate to brag, but I have more brains in my head than you have in your little finger.
  • John Wayne Film Festival. Warning: Cowards may be offended by these movies.a


  • نوع مطلب : JOKE 

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    داستان کوتاه انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی_امتحان دوست داشتن

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:42 ق.ظ


    A woman had 3 girls.

    خانمی سه دختر داشت.

    One day she decides to test her sons-in-law.

    یک روز او تصمیم گرفت دامادهایش را تست کند. 

    She invites the first one for a stroll by the lake shore ,purposely falls in and pretents to be drowing.

    او داماد اولش را به کنار دریاچه دعوت کرد و عمدا تو آب افتاد و وانمود به غرق شدن کرد.

    Without any hestination,the son-in-law jumps in and saves her.

    بدون هیچ تاخیری داماد تو آب پرید و مادرزنش را نجات داد.

    The next morning,he finds a brand new car in his driveway with this message on the windshield.

    صبح روز بعد او یک ماشین نو "براند "را در پارکینگش پیدا کرد با این پیام در شیشهءجلویی.

    Thank you !your mother-in-law who loves you!

    متشکرم !از طرف مادر زنت کسی که تورا دوست دارد!

    A few days later,the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law.

     بعد از چند روز خانم همین کار را با  داماد دومش کرد.

    He jumps in the water and saves her also.

    او هم به آب پرید و مادرزنش را نجات داد.

    She offers him a new car with the same message on the windshield.

    او یک ماشین  نو" براند "با این پیام بهش تقدیم کرد.

    Thank you! your mother-in-law who loves you!

    متشکرم!مادرزنت کسی که تو را دوست دارد!

    Afew days later ,she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law.

    بعد از چند روز او همین کار را با داماد سومش کرد.

    While she is drowning,the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

    زمانیکه او غرق می شد دامادش او را نگاه می کرد بدون   اینکه حتی یک اینچ تکان بخورد و به این فکر می کرد که:

    Finally,it,s about time  that this old witch dies!

    بالاخره وقتش ر سیده که این پیرزن عجوزه بمیرد!

    The next morning ,he receives a brand new car with this message .

    صبح روز بعد او یک ماشین نو" براند" با این پیام دریافت کرد.

    Thank you! Your father-in-law.

    متشکرم! پدر زنت!!



    نوع مطلب : Story  English Passage 

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    داستان کوتاه طنز انگلیسی با ترجمه ی فارسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:40 ق.ظ

    داستان کوتاه طنز انگلیسی با ترجمه ی فارسی


     

    A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to see what had happened. " hey boy " , he called out, " forget your trouble for a moment and come on in and have dinner with us. Then i will help you get the wagon up."

    " that is very nice of you", the boy answered , "But i don't think Pa would like me to do it." 
    "Oh, come on, son," the farmer insisted. "Well, okey," the boy finally agreed. "But pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner , the boy thanked his host. " I feel a lot better now , but i know pa is going to be upset."

    " I don't think so," said the neighbour . " By the way, Where is your pa?" 
    " He is under the wagon."

     

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    نوع مطلب : Story  English Passage  JOKE 

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    داستان خنده دار انگلیسی با ترجمه ی فارسیTicket Please

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:37 ق.ظ


    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”


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    نوع مطلب : Story  English Passage  JOKE 

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    داستان انگلیسی جالب با ترجمه فارسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:34 ق.ظ

    مادر و دختر

    One summer day, when tourists were lining up to enter a stately house, an old gentleman whispered to the person behind him, “Take a look at the little fellow in front of me with the poodle cut and the blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl!?” “It’s a girl,” came the angry answer. “I ought to know. She’s my daughter.” “Forgive me, sir!” apologized the old fellow. “I never dreamed you were her father.” “I’m not,” said the parent with blue jeans. “I’m her mother!”

     


    یک روز تابستانی، وقتی جهانگردان برای وارد شدن به یک خانه با شکوه صف کشیده بودند، یک آقای مسن به آرامی به نفر پشت سر خود گفت: «یک نگاه به کودکی که جلوی من ایستاده و موهایش را مثل سگ های پشمالو آرایش کرده و شلوار جین آبی پوشیده بینداز. معلوم نیست که دختر است یا پسر؟!» شخص مقابل خشمگینانه جواب داد: «آن بچه دختر است. معلوم است که من باید این را بدانم که او دختر است! چون او دختر خود من است.» شخص مسن برای معذرت خواهی گفت: «لطفا مرا ببخشید آقای محترم! من حتی تصورش را هم نمی کردم که شما پدر آن بچه باشید.» شخص عصبانی که شلوار جین آبی هم پوشیده بود گفت: «نه نیستم! من مادر او هستم!» 



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    نوع مطلب : English Passage  Story  JOKE 

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    داستان کوتاه انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی -هدایایی برای مادر GIFTS FOR MOTHER

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:32 ق.ظ


    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

    The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama. The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house. The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur. The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read it anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this monk who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge them $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.

    After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

    Dear Mike, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.

    Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes … and the driver you hired is a big jerk. But the thought was good. Thanks.

    Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”



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    داستان کوتاه انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی شما مردها همه مثل همید

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:29 ق.ظ


    Mr and Mrs Yates had one daughter. Her name was Carol, and she was nineteen years old. Carol lived with her parents and worked in an office. She had same friends, but she did not like any of the boys very much

    Then she met a very nice young man. His name was George Watts, and he worked in a bank near her office. They went out together quite a lot, and he came to Carol's parents' house twice, and then last week Carol went to her father and said, 'I'm going to Marry George Watts, Daddy. He was here yesterday.' 

    'Oh, yes,' her father said. 'He's a nice boy-but has he got any money?' 

    'Oh, men! All of you are the same,' the daughter answered angrily. 'I met George an the first of June and on the second he said to me, "Has your father got any money?".




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    نوع مطلب : English Passage  Story 

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    داستان کوتاه انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی داستان كوهستان Story of the year Mountain Story

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:27 ق.ظ


    Story of the year
    Mountain Story 

    "A son and his father were walking on the mountains.
    Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
    To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
    Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"
    He receives the answer: "Who are you?"
    And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"
    The voice answers: "I admire you!"
    Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"
    He receives the answer: "Coward!"
    He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"
    The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."
    Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"
    The voice answers: "You are a champion!"
    The boy is surprised, but does not understand.
    Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.
    It gives you back everything you say or do.
    Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.
    If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.
    If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.


    This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;
    Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

    YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!"
    -- Unknown Author

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