گرامر،اصطلاحات،داستان،مقاله،کتابهای انگلیسی

جک انگلیسی

نویسنده :M R
تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-11:01 ق.ظ

Funny Kid Jokes   Funjooke. - Funny Jokes For Kids

نوع مطلب : JOKE 

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جکهای کوتاه انگلیسی NEW JOKE

نویسنده :M R
تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:52 ق.ظ


  • I never make mistakes, because I'm poof groof; I'm sorry, goof proof.
  • I drove over the pass, the other day. It's called Do Not Pass. I read that on the sign.
  • Last winter was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Alzheimer's disease.
  • Someone read some of these jokes and advised me not to quit my day job. Too late.
  • George W. Bush is our first President for whom English is a second language. I don't think he has a first language.
  • On my tombstone: I didn't know pushing up daisies was this difficult.
  • Poker player: "I lose way less money when I get bad cards."
  • Women have a great handicap in our society. They often have to perform the most difficult task ever done by a human being, pretend to be dummer than a man.
  • Please excuse Jimmy from his doctor's appointment, as he is sick today.
  • I never repeat the same mistake, because I make such a variety of them.
  • Then he drew hiss word. Sorry. Then he drew his sword.
  • "Pick a letter." "Y." "Just because, do you always have to be so difficult?"
  • Organic farmer: a farmer full of natural fertilizer.
  • Helen of Troy, really beautiful, face that could launch a thousand ships. Her hips alone could probably launch 100 ships.
  • You see those people over there? I know what they're talking about. They're saying that I'm paranoid.
  • A friend of mine is kind of a combination Bambi and Ghandi, a Mahatma Bambi.
  • The label on my bottle of Robotussin cough syrup says that it will make my coughs "more productive." If only I could become that productive.
  • If you are missing large portions of your time, that is a sign that you have been abducted by aliens, either that or you have been watching television.
  • Did you know that I have an Indian name?: Stupid-White-Man-with-Bogus-Indian-Name, and proud of it.
  • I read that Coca Cola was impacting upon the popularity of native Chinese beverages. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
  • Some people say that they are vegetarians who eat fish. I'm a vegetarian who eats fish, poultry, pork, and beef.
  • One of the good things about not being famous: I have to do something really, really stupid to make the tabloids.
  • Bumper sticker on a toy car: My other car is a fire truck.
  • Key to exercise: get the lungs working and the heart pumping, and if you don't keel over dead, then you probably benefiting.
  • Be sure to use proper grammar: "I eat a steak." "I ate a stook."
  • The proper way to ask for more food is to say "Oink."
  • My doctor told me I have high brood pleasure, or maybe it was blood pressure, whatever.
  • I call my car C-Rex; it's a Honda CRX. Someone else has named it Wash Me.
  • A friend of mine believes in the inverse Special Olympics motto: everyone is a loser.
  • A song that was never popular, A Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall. It loses its way at about 999,998 bottles of beer on the wall.
  • I caught a mild version of mad cow disease, it's called disgruntled cow disease.
  • To show you how smart I am, I bought some cookies with half the calories, so I can eat three times as much.
  • I'm having difficulty reading the fine print anymore. I think my eyes are on the blink. [alternative joke, when I see a girl who blinks a lot: "I think her eyes are on the blink."]
  • A German, who was visiting America, was having difficulty communicating. Then one day he sneezed, and someone said "Gesundheit!" The German replied (in German), "Finally, someone who speaks German."
  • An old couple were visiting the big city for the first time, and got tickets to hear a famous concert pianist. Afterwards, the man was complaining that it didn't sound like music to him, that the pianist had pounded on the piano so hard that he thought it would collapse. The wife was more tolerant: "When you play that well, it's OK if it sounds bad." [This joke can be adapted to any musician, not necessarily a pianist]
  • What we call a shark, the Germans call a volksbeiterfisch.
  • By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane.
  • A friend of mine drove in a complete circle on a street, because one U-turn deserves another.
  • I hate to brag, but I have more brains in my head than you have in your little finger.
  • John Wayne Film Festival. Warning: Cowards may be offended by these movies.a


  • نوع مطلب : JOKE 

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    داستان کوتاه طنز انگلیسی با ترجمه ی فارسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:40 ق.ظ

    داستان کوتاه طنز انگلیسی با ترجمه ی فارسی


     

    A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to see what had happened. " hey boy " , he called out, " forget your trouble for a moment and come on in and have dinner with us. Then i will help you get the wagon up."

    " that is very nice of you", the boy answered , "But i don't think Pa would like me to do it." 
    "Oh, come on, son," the farmer insisted. "Well, okey," the boy finally agreed. "But pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner , the boy thanked his host. " I feel a lot better now , but i know pa is going to be upset."

    " I don't think so," said the neighbour . " By the way, Where is your pa?" 
    " He is under the wagon."

     

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    نوع مطلب : Story  English Passage  JOKE 

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    داستان خنده دار انگلیسی با ترجمه ی فارسیTicket Please

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:37 ق.ظ


    Ticket Please

    Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”


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    نوع مطلب : Story  English Passage  JOKE 

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    داستان انگلیسی جالب با ترجمه فارسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:34 ق.ظ

    مادر و دختر

    One summer day, when tourists were lining up to enter a stately house, an old gentleman whispered to the person behind him, “Take a look at the little fellow in front of me with the poodle cut and the blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl!?” “It’s a girl,” came the angry answer. “I ought to know. She’s my daughter.” “Forgive me, sir!” apologized the old fellow. “I never dreamed you were her father.” “I’m not,” said the parent with blue jeans. “I’m her mother!”

     


    یک روز تابستانی، وقتی جهانگردان برای وارد شدن به یک خانه با شکوه صف کشیده بودند، یک آقای مسن به آرامی به نفر پشت سر خود گفت: «یک نگاه به کودکی که جلوی من ایستاده و موهایش را مثل سگ های پشمالو آرایش کرده و شلوار جین آبی پوشیده بینداز. معلوم نیست که دختر است یا پسر؟!» شخص مقابل خشمگینانه جواب داد: «آن بچه دختر است. معلوم است که من باید این را بدانم که او دختر است! چون او دختر خود من است.» شخص مسن برای معذرت خواهی گفت: «لطفا مرا ببخشید آقای محترم! من حتی تصورش را هم نمی کردم که شما پدر آن بچه باشید.» شخص عصبانی که شلوار جین آبی هم پوشیده بود گفت: «نه نیستم! من مادر او هستم!» 



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    نوع مطلب : English Passage  Story  JOKE 

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    سوال و جواب های جالب انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:پنجشنبه 13 تیر 1392-08:23 ب.ظ

    ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0 But I would have given him 100

    Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
    * his last battle

    درکدام جنگ ناپلئون مرد؟
    در اخرین جنگش

    Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    * at the bottom of the page

    اعلامیه استقلال امریکا درکجا امضاشد؟
    در پایین صفحه

    Q3. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
    *Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

    چگونه می توانید یک تخم مرغ خام را به زمین بتنی بزنید بدون ان که ترک بردارد؟
    زمین بتنی خیلی سخت است و ترک بر نمی دارد

    Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
    * marriage

    علت اصلی طلاق چیست؟
    ازدواج

    Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
    * exams

    علت اصلی عدم موفقیتها چیست؟
    امتحانات

    Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
    * Lunch & dinner

    چه چیزهایی را هرگز نمی توان درصبحانه خورد؟
    نهار و شام

    Q7. What looks like half an apple?
    * The other half

    چه چیزی شبیه به نیمی از یک سیب است؟
    نیمه دیگر ان سیب

    Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
    * it will simply become wet

    اگر یک سنگ قرمز را در دریا بیندازید چه خواهد شد؟
    خیس خواهد شد

    Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
    * No problem, he sleeps at night.

    یک ادم چگونه ممکن است هشت روز نخوابد؟
    مشکلی نیست شبها می خوابد

    Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
    * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

    چگونه می توانید فیلی را با یک دست بلند کنید؟
    شما امکان ندارد فیلی را پیدا کنیدکه یک دست داشته باشد

    Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apple and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
    * Very large hands

    اگر در یک دست خود سه سیب و چهارپرتقال و در دست دیگر سه پرتقال و چهار سیب داشته باشید کلا چه خوهید داشت؟
    دستهای خیلی بزرگ

    Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
    * No time at all, the wall is already built.

    اگر هشت نفر در ده ساعت یک دیوار را بسازند چهارنفر ان را درچند ساعت خواهند ساخت؟
    هیچ چی چون دیوار قبلا ساخته شده

     



    نوع مطلب : English Passage  JOKE 

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    جک انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 7 تیر 1392-11:05 ب.ظ

    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

    "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

     

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    نوع مطلب : JOKE 

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    اس ام اس های زن و شوهرهای غربی به زبان انگلیسی

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 7 تیر 1392-10:56 ب.ظ

    Every man should get maed some time after all

    happiness is not the only thing in life

    هر مردی باید یکروزی ازدواج کنه،چون شادی تنها چیز زندگی نیست !

    .

    Bachelors should be heavily taxed

    It is not fair that some men should

    be happier than others

    Oscar Wilde

    برای مجردها باید مالیات سنگینی مقرر شود

    چون این انصاف نیست که بعضیها

    شادتر از بقیه زندگی کنند

    اسکاروایلد

    .

    Womens

    Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper

    Scottish Proverb

    خانوم ها

    برای پول ازدواج نکنید ، میتونید اونرو با بهره کمتری قرض بگیرید

    ضرب المثل اسکاتلندی

    .

    I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our

    anniversary? ” She said,”Somewhere I have never been!” I told her

    “How about the kitchen?”

    من از همسرم پرسیدم که برای سالگرد ازدواجمان به کجا برویم؟

    او گفت: به جائی که تا حالا نرفتم

    من گفتم: نظرت راجع به آشپزخانه چطوره !!؟

    .

    I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

    Sam Kinison

    من از تروریستها وحشتی ندارم ، من دوساله ازدواج کردم

    سام کینیسون

    .

    Men have a better time than women; for one thing

    they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier

    H. L. Mencken

    مردها فرصت بهتری در زندگی نسبت به زنان دارند،یکی بخاطر اینکه دیرتر

    ازدواج میکنند و دوم اینکه زودتر میمیرند

    اچ.ال.منکن

    .

    When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.

    When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why

    وقتی که یک زوج تازه مزدوج لبخند میزنند،همه میدونند چرا

    ولی وقتی یک زوج ده سال پس از ازدواج لبخند میزنند همه حیرانند چرا ؟

    .

    Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener

    عشق آدم را کور میکند ولی ازدواج چشمان انسان را باز میکند

    .

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife

    you can be sure of one thing

    either the car is new or the wife

    وقتی مردی درب خودرو را برای همسرش باز میکند

    شما میتوانید مطمئن باشید که

    یا ماشین جدید است یا همسرش !

    .

    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding

    her way back to home always

    من همسرم را خودم همه جا میبرم

    ولی اون همیشه راه برگشتن به خانه را پیدا میکند !

    .

    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops

    من همیشه دستان همسرم را در دستم میگیرم

    چون اگه رهاش کنم اون میره خرید !

    .

    My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours

    That was only for the estimate

    همسرم برای دوساعت در یک سالن آرایش و زیبائی بود

    البته فقط برای ارزیابی و قیمت گرفتن !

    .

    She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then

    the mud fell off

    همسرم یک ماسک تقویتی صورت خرید

    برای دو روز خیلی صورتش خوب شده بود ولی

    بعدش ماسک افتاد !

    .

    She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too

    late for the garbage?”

    Following her down the street I yelled, “No, jump in.”

    همسرم دنبال ماشین زباله دوید و فریاد زد

    “آیا برای انداختن زباله دیر کردم ؟ “

    من هم دنبالش به سمت خیابان دویدم و فریاد زدم

    ” نه ، بپر توش! “

    .

    Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses

    to get to married.

    He says “the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs”"

    باد تدی برای من شرح میداد که چرا از ازدواج کردن فراریست

    میگفت: حلقه

    ازدواج مثل یک دستبند مینیاتوریست !

    .

    A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband

    leaned over, made a wish

    and threw in a coin .

    The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned

    over too much, fell

    into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned

    for a while but then

    smiled “It really works!”

    یک زوج بر سر یک چاه آرزو رفتند، مرد خم شد ، آرزوئی کرد و یک سکه به

    داخل چاه انداخت.زن هم تصمیم گرفت آرزوئی کند ولی زیادی خم شد و ناگهان

    به داخل چا ه پرت شد

    مرد چند لحظه ای بهت زده شد بعد لبخندی زد و گفت:

    ” این واقعا” درست کار میکنه !!!!”



    نوع مطلب : SMS  JOKE 

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