گرامر،اصطلاحات،داستان،مقاله،کتابهای انگلیسی

جک انگلیسی

نویسنده :M R
تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-11:01 ق.ظ

Funny Kid Jokes   Funjooke. - Funny Jokes For Kids

نوع مطلب : JOKE 

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جکهای کوتاه انگلیسی NEW JOKE

نویسنده :M R
تاریخ:جمعه 21 تیر 1392-10:52 ق.ظ


  • I never make mistakes, because I'm poof groof; I'm sorry, goof proof.
  • I drove over the pass, the other day. It's called Do Not Pass. I read that on the sign.
  • Last winter was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Alzheimer's disease.
  • Someone read some of these jokes and advised me not to quit my day job. Too late.
  • George W. Bush is our first President for whom English is a second language. I don't think he has a first language.
  • On my tombstone: I didn't know pushing up daisies was this difficult.
  • Poker player: "I lose way less money when I get bad cards."
  • Women have a great handicap in our society. They often have to perform the most difficult task ever done by a human being, pretend to be dummer than a man.
  • Please excuse Jimmy from his doctor's appointment, as he is sick today.
  • I never repeat the same mistake, because I make such a variety of them.
  • Then he drew hiss word. Sorry. Then he drew his sword.
  • "Pick a letter." "Y." "Just because, do you always have to be so difficult?"
  • Organic farmer: a farmer full of natural fertilizer.
  • Helen of Troy, really beautiful, face that could launch a thousand ships. Her hips alone could probably launch 100 ships.
  • You see those people over there? I know what they're talking about. They're saying that I'm paranoid.
  • A friend of mine is kind of a combination Bambi and Ghandi, a Mahatma Bambi.
  • The label on my bottle of Robotussin cough syrup says that it will make my coughs "more productive." If only I could become that productive.
  • If you are missing large portions of your time, that is a sign that you have been abducted by aliens, either that or you have been watching television.
  • Did you know that I have an Indian name?: Stupid-White-Man-with-Bogus-Indian-Name, and proud of it.
  • I read that Coca Cola was impacting upon the popularity of native Chinese beverages. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
  • Some people say that they are vegetarians who eat fish. I'm a vegetarian who eats fish, poultry, pork, and beef.
  • One of the good things about not being famous: I have to do something really, really stupid to make the tabloids.
  • Bumper sticker on a toy car: My other car is a fire truck.
  • Key to exercise: get the lungs working and the heart pumping, and if you don't keel over dead, then you probably benefiting.
  • Be sure to use proper grammar: "I eat a steak." "I ate a stook."
  • The proper way to ask for more food is to say "Oink."
  • My doctor told me I have high brood pleasure, or maybe it was blood pressure, whatever.
  • I call my car C-Rex; it's a Honda CRX. Someone else has named it Wash Me.
  • A friend of mine believes in the inverse Special Olympics motto: everyone is a loser.
  • A song that was never popular, A Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall. It loses its way at about 999,998 bottles of beer on the wall.
  • I caught a mild version of mad cow disease, it's called disgruntled cow disease.
  • To show you how smart I am, I bought some cookies with half the calories, so I can eat three times as much.
  • I'm having difficulty reading the fine print anymore. I think my eyes are on the blink. [alternative joke, when I see a girl who blinks a lot: "I think her eyes are on the blink."]
  • A German, who was visiting America, was having difficulty communicating. Then one day he sneezed, and someone said "Gesundheit!" The German replied (in German), "Finally, someone who speaks German."
  • An old couple were visiting the big city for the first time, and got tickets to hear a famous concert pianist. Afterwards, the man was complaining that it didn't sound like music to him, that the pianist had pounded on the piano so hard that he thought it would collapse. The wife was more tolerant: "When you play that well, it's OK if it sounds bad." [This joke can be adapted to any musician, not necessarily a pianist]
  • What we call a shark, the Germans call a volksbeiterfisch.
  • By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane.
  • A friend of mine drove in a complete circle on a street, because one U-turn deserves another.
  • I hate to brag, but I have more brains in my head than you have in your little finger.
  • John Wayne Film Festival. Warning: Cowards may be offended by these movies.a


  • نوع مطلب : JOKE 

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    داستان جالب کوتاه انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی Lend قرض

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:جمعه 7 تیر 1392-10:53 ب.ظ


    Lend : 

    Two friends, Sam and Mike, were riding on a bus. Suddenly the bus stopped and bandits got on.
     The bandits began robbing the passengers. They were taking the passengers’ jewelry and  watches. They were taking all their money, too. Sam opened his wallet and took out twenty dollars. He gave the twenty dollars to Mike Why are you giving me this money?” Mike asked Last week I didn’t have any money, and you loaned me twenty dollars, remember?” Sam said. “Yes, I remember,” Mike said. " I’m paying you back,” Sam said

     

    قرض
    دو دوست به نام های سام و مایک در حال مسافرت در اتوبوس بودند. ناگهان اتوبوس توقف کرد و یک دسته راهزن وارد اتوبوس شدند. راهزنان شروع به غارت کردن مسافران کردند. آن ها شروع به گرفتن ساعت و اشیاء قیمتی مسافران کردند. ضمنا تمام پول های مسافران را نیز از آن ها می گرفتند.
    سام کیف پول خود را باز نمود و بیست دلار از آن بیرون آورد. او این بیست دلار را به مایک داد. مایک پرسید: «چرا این پول را به من می دهی؟» سام جواب داد: «یادت می آید هفته گذشته وقتی من پول نداشتم تو به من بیست دلار قرض دادی؟» مایک گفت: «بله، یادم هست.» سام گفت: «من دارم پولت را پس می دهم.



    نوع مطلب : JOKE  Story 

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    جک های باحال و cool انگلیسی با ترجمه فارسی + JOKE SMS

    نویسنده :M R
    تاریخ:دوشنبه 31 تیر 1392-06:19 ب.ظ

    Mr.Bean Science
    .
    I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
    Due to
    electric failure
    Mr.Bean:
    Ya me too
    I was stuck on ESCALATOR
    for 5 hrs

    جک مستربین
    از زمانی که برق رفت من تو آسانسور 3 ساعت
    گیرکردم.
    .
    مستربین:
    من هم همین طور!!
    من 5 ساعت رو پله برقی
    گیرکردم.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    (husband
    & Wife )
    husband: Will U marry , after I die.
    Wife : No I
    will live with my sister.

    Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
    husband:
    No I will also live with your sister

    ( زن و شوهر )شوهر : بعد از
    این که من بمیرم آیا ازدواج می کنی؟
    زن : نه من با خواهرم زندگی می
    کنم...
    زن : بعد از مرگ من تو ازدواج خواهی کرد؟
    شوهر : نه من هم با
    خواهرت , زندگی می کنم.







    Future plans of
    childrens:
    Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
    Adnan:
    I want 2 b a pilot.
    Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
    Bina: I want 2 b
    a good mother.
    Shariq : I want 2 help Bina.


    شغل آینده بچه
    ها:
    معلم از دانش آموزان پرسید که می خواهید در آینده چکاره شوید؟
    ادنان
    : من می خواهم خلبان بشم.
    واکیل : من میخوام دکتر بشم.
    بینا : من می
    خوام مادری خوب بشم.
    شریک : من میخوام به بینا کمک کنم.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
    An
    Aeroplane asks a Rocket
    How is that you can fly so fast?
    The
    Rocket replies you will know the pain
    when they put fire at your
    back!

    سوال هواپیما از موشک :
    یه هواپیما از یه موشک می پرسه که :
    چطوری
    می تونی این قدر سریع پرواز کنی؟
    موشک جواب میده : اگه تو , پشتت آتیش
    میزاشتن میدونستی که چقدر درد داره....


    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


    Difference b/w secretary & private
    secretary
    Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private
    secretary?

    Ans:
    Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
    &
    Private
    secretary says ITS MORNING SIR

    تفاوت منشی و منشی خیلی خوب
    سوال
    : اگه گفتی تفاوت منشی و منشی خیلی خوب چیه ؟
    جواب:
    منشی میگه : صبح
    بخیر رئیس..
    &
    منشی خیلی خوب میگه : صبح شده رئیس!!!

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Hi i am marrying next
    week ( Funny sms )
    Hi i am marrying next week
    there will be a
    small party and
    only few persons will be invited
    Hey don’t bring
    any gift
    just bring SOMEONE to marry me.

    سلام من هفته ی دیگه
    ازدواج می کنم!!! ( اس ام اس خنده دار )
    سلام من هفته ی دیگه ازدواج می
    کنم.
    یه جشن کوچیک هم میگیریم.
    تعداد کمی هم دعوت کردم.
    با خودت
    هدیه ای نیاری!!!
    فقط یه نفر رو بیار باهاش ازدواج کنم.


    ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


    Marriage is like a
    public toilet

    Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
    &
    Those
    inside are desperate to come

    ازدواج مثل توالت عمومی میمونه!!

    بیرون
    هر دو تا باشی دوست داری واردش بشی!!!

    &

    واردشون که شدی
    دوست داری هر چه سریعتر از اون خارج بشی!!!!


    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a
    vehicle

    If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further

    M0ral:
    always
    Keep a SPARE TYRE

    ,

    زن و شوهر مثل دو تایر از یه وسیله ی
    نقلیه هستند.

    اگر یکیشون پنچر بشه اون وسیله دیگه حرکت نمی کنه

    نتیجه
    اخلاقی :
    همیشه یه لاستیک زاپاس همراه داشته باش!!!!!


    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    TEACHER:
    what is the
    different between
    problem and challenge????

    STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
    1boy+3girls=challenge..

    ,

    معلم
    :

    فرق بین مشکل و رقابت کردن چیه؟

    دانش آموز :

    3 پسر
    + 1 دختر = مشکل

    1 پسر + 3 دختر = رقابت.......


    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    1: Look a thief has entered
    our kitchen
    and he is eating the cake I made.

    2: Whom should I
    call now,
    Police or Ambulance?

    اولی : بیا نگاه کن یه دزد وارد
    آشپزخونه شده و داره کیکی که پخته بودم رو میخوره!!!

    دومی : خوب
    باید پلیس رو صدا کنم یا آمبولانسو!!!!

    ...................................


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